I Want To Show You My Affection, But I Can't Do It Through This Dial Up Connection

Happy blog post for happy people who don't fancy being too deep today :)
I am in a brilliant mood, because I've just realised that I have an intimate gig with Amy Can Flyy a week today. More importantly, I have an intimate gig with Benjamin Haynes a week today.
I am a little bit excited about this, guys.

Now I've just got to put up with a week of constant maths and no frees - but Ben will get me through this.

- a.

I believe in a thing called Love

(I now invite you to listen to the rhythmic pounding of my heart!:p)

So shoot me.

I believe in love. Ok, so perhaps not the over romanticised mushy American sort of Hollywood love, but I hold fervent belief in the simple, genuine and undignified sort which we see every day.

Surely, all love (or the 'illusion' of love as some may call it) cannot be based purely on the need to reproduce. What about same-sex relationships? Similarly, feelings for others cannot be purely based on the need for companionship. Yes, I'm sure there's all sorts of hormones and chemicals which might make these feelings come about, but can a hormonal rush last for a lifetime? Real, stoic and enduring affection comes into fruition later.

To me, tiny acts of human kindness prove that love is all around me. (and so the feeling grows. ) Leaving the landing light on so that someone doesn't trip in the dark when they come to bed, pushing the tin-pot car of a man you've never met before over a speed bump, finding a fiver on the floor and putting it in a charity collection; even something as simple as smiling at someone on the street.

The people for which we do such things are, most likely, ones that we will never see or encounter again, so it follows that we cannot be doing these things for personal gain; these are people that we will maintain no contact with, and therefore will not give us anything in return other than their gratitude. Perhaps, you might say, we do these things for the sense of personal satisfaction that they bring, but can you honestly tell me that personal satisfaction is the first thing you think about when buying a Big Issue?

All these tiny things form the basis for the monster we call Love. The sort of love which would compel you to die for the object of your affections, the stupidly extravagant and flamboyant notion of romantic love.

From this, of course, physical gratification can be gained, (*Ahem*) but what about the elderly couples who stay together until death, the type who still cuddle each other at the ages of 92 and 93? That just has to be based on something more, doesn't it?

It would be fair to say that, until now, my points have been fairly sketchy and it would also be entirely correct, so I'm going to end on this: Love is the last great belief. In an increasingly atheist world, love is the one last tangible human thing in which to have faith.

So fuck it. I'm a romantic.

Check it out. Oh yeah, It's ma sister.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsXoCrqL8F8

That link right up there is ma sister doing singing. Was listening to slightly depressing songs and thought: "TEIM FOR MA SISTAH!"

Thought I'd just share it with the world.

Comments neccessary. (But if they're negative I'mma gonna hunt you down, attach electrodes to your nipples and give you a very unpleasant half-hour.)

"I Am Not Butch" - by Arran Rigney.

I've just been watching Star Trek, hence the play on "I Am Not Spock".

For some reason, I'm always labeled as "butch", or when we discuss future plans, I'm either "the cat lady" or "the lesbian". I just thought I'd whap out a quick post about this, because I honestly don't understand where this labeling began.

I spend most of my time with guys, granted. This isn't because I'm a lesbian (actually, if I were a lesbian, I think I'd choose to spent more time around the female species...), or because I'm horribly butch, it's because I honestly find guys to be better company. I've always found women to be a bit too catty for me - then again, that's probably just a product of going to an all girls' school. Of course, I've got a few really close friends who are female - most of which are probably readers of this blog - or were, before we started to get all deep, but overall I'm just more comfortable around guys. It's just the way I work.

I am more than happy to go to a fairly heavy gig, jump in a pit if I'm not worried about piercings, or run out for a game of basketball with the boys. My favourite movies are the Die Hard collection, I frequently tell girlies to man up, and I currently prefer men's clothes because they're comfy and the shoulders aren't hideous.

But I cry at Die Hard, I cry at Winnie The Pooh, I talk to my cat like she's a baby, and indie kid & facial-hair-piercings-guy are my motivation for getting the bus in the morning.
Hence, I don't think I'm all that butch, to be honest.

So, there we go - now can we stop labeling me as the lesbian-cat-lady? I think I'm fairly capable of having a relationship with a male without butching out.

- a.

Inverted Questions.

Check out how deep I am:

Is there a light on?
OR
Is there an on light?

Has the kettle just boiled?
OR
Has the boil just kettled?

Is squirrel in the tree
OR
Is the tree within the squirrel?

Do I own an ipod?
OR
Does my ipod own me?

Is God a real person?
OR
Is a real person God?

Do I play Golf?
OR
Does Golf play me?

Is death the end?
OR
Is the end death?

Is Simon Cowell a shitbag?
OR
Is a shitbag Simon Cowell?

Is the kitchen the heart of the home?
OR
Is the heart the home of the kitchen?

Is the cup next to the wall?
OR
Is the wall next to the cup?

Is the cat chasing the mouse?
OR
Is the mouse chasing the cat?

Yeah...deep, aren't it?

Arran and beth try to make their blog sound deep - take three.

"Step in my house, realise that your stuff is gone. But in reality to whom does the stuff belong?"

So, that was me being deep and intelligent.
Hah! Only joking! That was me listening to 'All Rise by Blue! Of course, you probably couldn't tell because it sounds just as insightful as the crap that some people churn out on their blogs weekly.

Yeah. Think about it.
- a

SCIENTISTS

Ok, so scientists have a reputation for dressing poorly and having the social skills of an autistic cucumber-right? But I've just thought: Perhaps scientists are engaged in a worldwide experiment to PROVE that normal social interaction is uneccessary to scientific progress.

They're almost like modern monks, aren't they? They never have any sex and have silly hair. They're the sort of people who know the exact speed of light, but couldn't tell you anything about popular culture.

If you are in any way worried that you are becoming a scientist, call some sort of helpline. In the meantime, here are some warning signs. If you can catch it early, it might not spread too much.

1. Do you prefer maths with letters to maths with numbers?
2. Do you find chess sexually arousing?
3. Is a symposium your idea of a holiday.

If the answer to one or more of these questions is yes, then you are in serious danger and I pity you.

Not quite sure what that was about... S'pose it's relevant in some way.

Blogger and Buffy - who needs a social life?

I've resorted back to Buffy. There's zero to do in Dolphinholme.
"coffee - it's not a date, it's a caffeinated beverage! Sure, it's hot and bitter like a relationship, but..."
Buffy is seriously underrated.

I'm adding and missing letters everywhere! This keyboard is hell.

- a

I'm back, and I'm writing this whole post on a phone! Hoorah!

I'm writing this entire post with my new phone, so my apologies if it seems a bit off. The internet costs me nothing! I'm using the wifi at home!

Anyway, I've been using tumblr recently, because nobody really takes themselves seriously on there, you know? I honestly can't stand people to try to sound deep on their blogs, whilst stating the bleedin' obvious! Silly people!

- a.

WIND

God, I love the wind! It makes me feel all Pride-and-Prejudicey. When it's like this I just want to run through a cornfield wearing a cotton dress. Then, when I get to Netherfield, Mr Darcy can admire the brilliancy of my complexion.

There's also an enigmatic side to wind. While you're being blown about you look all deep and thoughtful, like. It gives one a contenplative, almost brooding air.

So, anyone up for some running about in a field? If so, do not hesitiate to contact me.

Newly aquired coolness.

Ready for another long winded, irrelevant rant?

So, some people are becoming cooler than they were before. How on earth did they do it? Well, here's my theory:

When we're at this stage in out lives, (some indiscernible place between child and adult) it is tantamount to our existence that we be cool. The annoying thing is, you can't suddenly decide that you're cool; other people have to be the judge of that.

There are several things we can do to up our amount of cool. Firstly, you must never enjoy yourself. Nobody laughing infectiously is cool, because the main idea of cool is that one has to take oneself incredibly seriously. Laughing is for lesser mortals, the ones that don't get it. Always scowl and look at the world with the attitude: 'Funny? I laugh in the face of funny,'if you don't take yourself seriously, no one else will.

Secondly, there must be NO spring in your step. To be cool, one must shuffle. The cool's feet are weighed down with the awesome responsibility of being so cool. Cool people also do not swing their arms. (actually, is probably best not to swing your arms too much, cool or otherwise. There's always the slight danger that you'll look like a Nazi)

Never give the impression that you think anything might be a good idea. For example, say you want to go and see a film, but, when being cool, the last thing you want to do is to suggest it. Decisions such as these are made by the uncool. The uncool must speak and embarrass themselves before the cool can go to the cinema, leaving the uncool person at home crying.

Like being yourself, being cool rests upon what you wear. If you're cool, you wear stuff that would have looked stupid the day before and will be out of fashion the next day. (N/B: This is a lot easier to do when it has already been established that you are cool.) If you're lucky, you can turn up to college wearing tweed knickerbockers and you will still be cool in the eyes of your less cool friends, who will all come in the next day wearing something similar. (This, incidentally, is how the fashion industry works.)

Fresh air and sun are a no-go for the cool. These things make you happy and may even force you to remove your cool clothing. This is why cool people tend to sleep late and come out after dark. The lack of sunlight, however does not stop them from wearing sunglasses. These are an essential part of a cool person's wardrobe, as they help to avoid eye contact, and any kind of eye contact implies a momentary loss of total self-absorption, and therefore cool.

How to be yourself

One of the essential ways to lead a happy life is by learning to be yourself; your own original person. Stupidly, however, nobody ever tells you how to be yourself, nor are there websites through which one can download a handy template upon how to be completely individual.

It's not always good to be yourself. The deeply unpleasant, elitist socially backward people one sometimes comes across are, unfortunately being themselves. Imagine how helpful it would be if they could try to be someone else, preferably someone nicer and less prone to self-pity/indulgence.

Life starts without any form of self consciousness, then comes adolescence when one suddenly realises that the first thirteen years have done nothing other than mess you up. For the next seventeen years, we find it more important what other people think about us rather than what we think about ourselves. (This wears off after a few years when we finally come to realise that other people haven't actually been thinking about us at all)

Being yourself naturally has fashion implications. People who are truly themselves have a look which nobody else on the planet shares. Many people think they're expressing individuality in their hairstyle, but when looking at photographs thirty years in the future, you'll be modeling the classic cuts of the early 21st century.

Sexuality is often a large manifestation of you as a person. (I've said it before, and I'll say it again: anyone who's anyone is bisexual these days) this is why, I imagine, that the best sexual partners find it easy to be themselves in the bedroom...but I couldn't say that'd be wise if the other person is pissed off/bored at the time.

Scientifically, it's impossible to be yourself. I've been on google and now I know for a FACT that sub-atomic particles change under observation... and so do we! Depending upon what or who we are interacting with, we change slightly. We all have multiple personalities, and we whip out the one which works best in whatever situation we're in.

In conclusion, only shy people are actually themselves. It makes absolutely no sense to say that you're a shy person underneath. Shy people don't have underneaths; they wear their underneaths on top without protective covering.

So, who have I had a go at this post?

Scene kids: check
Gays: check

And who else I wonder?