Newly aquired coolness.

Ready for another long winded, irrelevant rant?

So, some people are becoming cooler than they were before. How on earth did they do it? Well, here's my theory:

When we're at this stage in out lives, (some indiscernible place between child and adult) it is tantamount to our existence that we be cool. The annoying thing is, you can't suddenly decide that you're cool; other people have to be the judge of that.

There are several things we can do to up our amount of cool. Firstly, you must never enjoy yourself. Nobody laughing infectiously is cool, because the main idea of cool is that one has to take oneself incredibly seriously. Laughing is for lesser mortals, the ones that don't get it. Always scowl and look at the world with the attitude: 'Funny? I laugh in the face of funny,'if you don't take yourself seriously, no one else will.

Secondly, there must be NO spring in your step. To be cool, one must shuffle. The cool's feet are weighed down with the awesome responsibility of being so cool. Cool people also do not swing their arms. (actually, is probably best not to swing your arms too much, cool or otherwise. There's always the slight danger that you'll look like a Nazi)

Never give the impression that you think anything might be a good idea. For example, say you want to go and see a film, but, when being cool, the last thing you want to do is to suggest it. Decisions such as these are made by the uncool. The uncool must speak and embarrass themselves before the cool can go to the cinema, leaving the uncool person at home crying.

Like being yourself, being cool rests upon what you wear. If you're cool, you wear stuff that would have looked stupid the day before and will be out of fashion the next day. (N/B: This is a lot easier to do when it has already been established that you are cool.) If you're lucky, you can turn up to college wearing tweed knickerbockers and you will still be cool in the eyes of your less cool friends, who will all come in the next day wearing something similar. (This, incidentally, is how the fashion industry works.)

Fresh air and sun are a no-go for the cool. These things make you happy and may even force you to remove your cool clothing. This is why cool people tend to sleep late and come out after dark. The lack of sunlight, however does not stop them from wearing sunglasses. These are an essential part of a cool person's wardrobe, as they help to avoid eye contact, and any kind of eye contact implies a momentary loss of total self-absorption, and therefore cool.